i’m such a mess right now. and this sudden rush of emotion came out of nowhere. yeah, i’m pmsing, which is probably a huge factor as to why i’m crying and overthinking everything, but idk, i feel like this has been what i’ve been trying to fight for a while now. all these thoughts in my head, all these feelings; it’s like i’ve been trying to keep them hidden away, and now they’re finally bursting through. 

i’m moving out in 10 days. you’d think i’d be excited. i’m not. i’m more nervous than anything. i’m  honestly not sure if i’m ready for the whole experience of being alone and on my own. i feel like i just rushed into it. plus, i haven’t even moved out yet and i’m already missing everyone and everything. idk, i just realized how much time i’ve wasted pushing my parents away, and i’m just killing myself over it. i took them for granted. and now, i only have 10 days left. 

ugh, i can’t blog right now. i’ll do this later.

i haven’t written in a while. i can’t really say why i haven’t, because there’s multiple reasons. i haven’t had anything much interesting to write about, even though that’s not entirely true. the past few days that i’ve been gone have been incredibly emotional, in terms of my family and myself. i confronted my brother about all his lying. it was originally just my mom who was supposed to be talking, but i cut in cuz i couldn’t take his bullshit any longer. i was literally yelling, or at least lecturing him. i felt like i was talking to a baby. he seemed okay with all that selfish crap he’s doing. he accepts that it’s who he is, and it really struck a nerve with me, the way he KNOWS he’s wrong but he really doesn’t care. i get that papa’s hard headed, and extremely difficult to talk to or communicate with. i know that. but at the same time, it’s like why can’t he be the bigger man and just try? the whole phone conversation was just super tough to do but at the same time, it was incredibly satisfying. he needed to hear it. and i’m sort of glad it was from me.

on to university stuff. idk if this was prior to my last post, but i changed my clusters recently to popular culture and society. it seemed to fit with my field more. but for the past few days, my parents have been trying to convince me to change my mind and try out another profession. i mean, okay. journalism isn’t the most stable job in the world. but it’s what i’m good at, and plus i already chose my classes and the program that i got accepted for is communications. they suggested dentistry, biomolecular studies, and in my head, i’m like “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK” because they’ve always been supportive about what i’ve wanted. but i guess now that they’re spending a large amount of money, they want to be secure in what they invest. and i get it, i guess. first time they talked to me i completely shut them down. i’m a stubborn girl. it turned into an argument so i just decided to let that go. second time was today. it was more civilized, and they came up with a rather interesting alternative. ready for it? LAW. i actually didn’t resent the idea of becoming a lawyer. after all, that was my dream job when i was a younger kid, until i watched all those CSI and Law and Order tv shows. i figured that someone would either hunt me down when i made them lose, and end up as a murder victim. plus lawyers aren’t known to be very homely, as in they work late hours and don’t have much time for family or personal life. but now that i think about it, there are different fields of law. i don’t have to just be a criminal lawyer; there’s various fields. and i do LOVE to argue. so my parents don’t mind that i take this year to take the classes i want, and if i do decide to become a lawyer, they’re more than willing to put me through school for it. it’s just a really big decision. so i’ll just see how this year goes, and if the idea of being a lawyer still sounds good in my mind, you never know.

and lastly, on to the guy that i haven’t spoken to in four days. yup, four days. i would love to say that it was because i was strong and blocked him for this span of time, but sadly that’s not the reason we haven’t been talking. he hasn’t been on since wednesday. i don’t really feel like talking about it, because my head’s just so jumbled on that topic. he’s on now. but i don’t feel like giving him the satisfaction. i don’t really feel like trying tonight either. so yeah, i’m staying off.

i’m looking at my old xanga posts. man, was i obsessed with boys and milwaukee. and i seriously did not know how to use spell check back then.

alright, that’s it for now. i think this post goes on record for being the longest of them all.

i think i get a tad angstier when the clock strikes 11:30. i’ve just noticed it, but i become more irritable, and just very contemplative about everything happening in my life.

i swear if he doesn’t go online tonight, i’m SERIOUSLY done. i fucking go online to come to his rescue yesterday for an opinion on something incredibly stupid, and now that i want to actually talk to him, he’s not gonna go online.

come to think of it though, i don’t think i want to talk to him. i don’t feel the need to, right now. i’m hungry as fuck, i’m sweating because it’s hot as hell, i’m angry because of my prick of a father. NOT a good combination.

i’m honestly about to spontaneously combust.

WOW. i was either super drunk or something last night, because i’m so dramatic. just. wow. seriously? lol omg

to the boy that i’ve always cared about:

goodbye.

this is the last conversation i’ll have with you. at least for a few months until you decide you need me in your life again. i hope i come to my senses by that time, and i’ll have moved on from this stupid thing that i’ve been infatuated with for a while. frankly, i’ve realized that the only reason i talk to you is to make myself feel like there’s someone out there thinking of me. i’ve put myself under this illusion that you were this person. at some moments, you were. but the only reason we communicated is because i waited for the times when you would flirt with me. other than that, you haven’t given me any reason to call you a friend; you don’t listen when i speak, you don’t care when i try to open myself up. you only take without ever having to give. i don’t need this in my life. i am not going to centre myself around something that could be gone in a matter of seconds. i don’t want to hold onto something that isn’t even there anymore.

the first few days are always the hardest. but i have managed without you before. i will forget about you again. i won’t feel the need to talk to you. and i will be happy. i hope you are too. it’s time i started a new chapter in my life. and i pray to God that you’re not in it.

to the “best” friend:

i appreciate your supposed effort, but we both know where this is going. you and i, we’re just pretending. this is all fake. you have your friends, and i have myself to rely on. and i’m fine with that. in fact i’m more fine without having you in my life rather than you shadowing it all the time. all we have are memories. we’re not who we once were, and we should stop trying to be. people grow apart, friendships fall apart, and shit happens. this is the end for you and i as well. i promised myself that i would never burn bridges that once helped me to cross some extremely difficult paths in my life, but what good are those bridges if i never have to cross them again? i don’t need you or that boy anymore. i’m moving on. i’m finished.

goodbye.

idk why i’m on the verge of crying right now. he’s doing it again. this conversation’s full of him being all flirty towards me, and he keeps saying my name like it’s some kind of fucking prayer. just when i was about to give up, there he fucking goes. it’s sickening, actually. i don’t even find it flattering anymore. 

*not published on actual date because i kept in the drafts folder.

i’m starting to doubt everything again. maybe everyone who said that i’m making the wrong decisions is right. maybe i’m doing everything for the wrong reasons. i feel like i’m only going to carleton to get away from this place and have a “college” experience. but at what cost? to my family, to their financial situation, to our relationship with one another? is it worth it? some people say yes, because it’s so easy for them to say so. but being the situation itself demands for deeper thinking and contemplation on it. and that’s what i’ve been trying to do these past few weeks. and as each day goes by, a giant “NO” has been screaming in my head. maybe i should just give in. maybe i should just not go to carleton. maybe i should just stop altogether.

i just feel like crying so much lately. i don’t know if it’s just the disappointment of having friends bail on me all the damn time, or all this doubt and lack of faith in me going to university. everything is just feeling so damn heavy. and i’m so sick of it. some days i don’t feel like getting up because it doesn’t seem worth it anymore. and when i say “it” i mean life. i feel like i’m completely worthless, and that nothing i do, especially now, is either meaningful or worth anything at all.

i don’t want to try anymore.
i’m just so done with everything.

YOU ARE A GODDAMN FOOL. and when i say “you”, i mean me. i went online like i said i was going to. and luckily, he went online as well. i was extremely ecstatic, seeing that i had a chance to redeem myself from being a bore the previous night before. oddly enough though, once i started to open myself up, he shuts down. and when i say “shuts down”, he talks less or when he does talk it’s about his stupid business or about some girl that he has a crush on. THIS IS LIKE THE SUMMER OF 2008 ALL OVER AGAIN. the only difference is i’m not the same stupid idiot as i was back then. i know better, i cried the unnecessary tears, i’ve written down the pointless diaries about him, and i am not going to set myself up for disappointment again. not this time.

I AM OFFICIALLY ON A STRIKE. I MEAN IT THIS TIME. i will not get used to him becoming a big part of my life. i refuse. this isn’t fair to me, because i know that in a matter of weeks he will be gone, busy fucking someone he isn’t sober enough to remember, or playing video games or getting shitfaced.

i hope that i find someone worth thinking about in university. i’m so sick of this bad habit that i haven’t been able to break since the 4th grade. it’s pathetic, and i’m ready for change. i’m ready for him to realize that i was worth fighting for, and if this just so happens to occur when i’m in the arms of another man, fine.

okay, call me a loser but i got some second opinions on this whole situation (ie. google and yahoo answers lmao), and i realized that i haven’t been giving him a chance. it really is my fault that i’m getting disappointed or bored with our conversations. it’s been completely one-ended the majority of the time, and sadly, it’s been him that’s been trying to keep it going. which, to me, is weird because it’s like the tables have been turned. normally, it would be me trying to keep him interested and talk about anything to get him to stay online, and he would respond with those “lol nice” and “nm”. it’s like the roles have been switched, and i don’t know if i’m cool with it. i mean, don’t get me wrong. i do like him making more of an effort this time around, and it’s nice that he’s finally showing interest in my life. i guess i just have to return the favor, and stop being such a prick, right? 

yeah, i’ll go online tonight. i think. maybe. i don’t know. should i? the only thing i’m worried about at this point is if he’s even going to give me another chance to talk to him and go online tonight. i hope he does.